Harmony Over Balance
Finding balance? Everyone is always talking about or aspiring to reach the point in their lives where they find balance. Whether it is a balance from within, a balance of the mind, a balance between work life and play, or balancing all of the goals that we are trying to achieve… We as a society are always trying to balance. What even is balance? Finding an equal distribution between concepts, ideas, or things? According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, balance is stability produced by an even distribution of weight. When I think of the word balance, I immediately envision myself on a tightrope, high above land, higher than the tallest buildings in Downtown. I am attempting to walk this tightrope with heels on and so many heavy objects in my arms and on my shoulders. I see myself trying to maintain some sort of sanity when there is chaos surrounding me. Then I realize, I have a really warped thought process when I think about finding balance. I make it subconsciously unattainable for myself because I am already setting myself up to fail. Balance is achievable. But the approach probably should not be viewed as juggling our hopes, dreams, and reality. Why can’t there be a positive way to bring all our important wants, desires, and goals together without feeling like we need to equate them on the same level? Do we really want to view the ideal way of life as a balance of all our things?
Not until I gave birth to Donya did I recognize how much I viewed balance as an unattainable yet much desired goal. I think in my heart I believed my life was balanced. I was equating my career, my family, my hubby, and even my friends and my dog as all on the same spectrum of importance at all times on any given day. Do not get me wrong, every element of my life — my relationships, my career path, all of it — is important to me. However, when Donya was born, I recognized that they do not all have to be equal every day and integrated in order for me to achieve this so-called “balanced life.” Life is more complicated now. My daughter is now my number one priority every day, all day. I am in the stage of “I need to keep her alive” and “Yes! I have kept her alive another day.” Immediately after I had Donya, I knew I had no balance nor would I be able to achieve it in the way that I believed it meant. It was tough because there was no more “let me fill my cup and pour it evenly out amongst all my goals, desires, and relationships.” It was more like, I have a gallon, and 98% is poured in my daughter’s cup, and I have 2% to distribute amongst my husband, puppy, family, friends, career, and myself. I was really feeling defeated, sad, and guilty. Guilty because I felt defeated and sad, and defeated and sad because I was putting all my energy into my daughter and like with all newborns, I could not end a day without feeling as though my only accomplishment was keeping her alive. For me, someone who runs a mile a minute on a daily basis, writes lists and crushes each task, and who has always strived for “balance” in all things, I was failing at even my most important task, motherhood.
I remember crying to my husband, “I thought I would be better at this” and “I wish I could reap what I sow.” I am so used to putting effort into everything and knowing that the results are going to be based on how much effort I place forth. This is not the reality of motherhood. Effort does not equal results. Attempting to balance life is not going to create it. I realized I had to create my own reality and one that I can look at myself in the mirror on a daily basis and say, “I did my best and I did ok.” I knew I couldn’t plan my life out everyday, because with a newborn, that plan goes out the window. I do not have control over the driver’s seat. She does. That bothered me, but I had to consciously tell myself that it shouldn’t.
The first step into changing my reality and finding sanity was not to look at my day and all the things I was going to try and find compartments for. I needed to walk into my day and ask, “How can I utilize my few minutes of free time to fill my cup, so I can slowly pour into the cups of those around me?” Hey, maybe that’s really what balance is? Recognizing that not all things in the day are going to be equal, and that there may not be stability, but there is a way to slowly reach an equilibrium one day. And if that equilibrium is seen as something attainable, it will not be as daunting.
How do I do this? Well, my first priority is still my daughter. Always. She still is in that “ I am learning how to survive outside the womb” state. She is reliant on me, and I find that such a gift. I am responsible for this beautiful person, and I am 100% committed to her. On the other end, I love spending time with my husband, I love advancing my career, and I love spoiling my puppy; can I do all those things while being 100% committed to Donya? Yes, I just need to admit that I cannot do it all every day, and I need to be ok with that. I started paying attention to the times when I did have the freedom away from Donya, whether she was napping or with her grandparents, or with my hubby, and I started making the most of that time. When our parents have her, that is time we both dedicate to each other and then to our own passion projects. I have chosen my classes to be my "me time". When I teach, I have me time. Teaching gives me energy and fulfillment as a fitness professional. It fills my cup while also fulfilling my passion for my career. I am constantly integrating what I have learned in fitness, health, and life in my classes. I fill up from the energy I receive on the other end from my clients. It does not have to happen every day, but I need it in my life to feel a compartment is being filled up. My hubby time, it is our time. It happens once a week, and it is sacred. It is time where he and I put each other first, and we trust our parents are taking good care of Donya so we can do that. We only have 2 hours, but those 2 hours become sacred and vital to our own cups. We are better parents and partners because of it. My puppy? Spending 2-3 times a day giving him 5 minutes of straight love fills his cup. He is happy, and I feel like my next compartment is filled. It is nowhere near the time I provided him pre-baby, but it is enough that we both feel loved and content.
These are just examples of how I find harmony in my life now. It really is about harmony, not balance. Harmony blends things together and creates a reality through this blend. Not every part of the blend is equal at all times, but as in music, we know that without harmony you can not have stability in the sound. Harmony creates a tonal stability that resonates with our ears, our hearts, and our minds. Harmony is our stability as we learn to navigate through our new normal. Harmony finds room for all the elements, because they all create the end result without having to have an equal bearing at all times. This gives us more room to explore and evolve without providing us with a less realistic understanding of how we are to bring everything together. Find a compartment and slowly give yourself time to add them all together. You can give one more room than the other without sacrificing their importance.
