Value + Gratitude

Juggling roles is something I am sure many of you relate to.  As I have been navigating through new territory: trying to figure out how to juggle my roles as a toddler mom, wife, trainer, and business owner, I have recognized that I do not have a turn-on and off switch for any of the roles that I hold. Lately, I have felt guilty about being present for my family because work does not shut off at 5 pm, and when you are building a business, there are times when opportunities arise at inopportune times. The mom's guilt is real and can get ugly. The struggle has been how I can give 110% to everything.

 What roles bring my life value?

How can I give myself grace as I fail, learn, and grow through this process? 

Why is it so important to me to succeed in these roles? 

I will be honest; I have been feeling all the "feels" lately. The joy I have gained from my connections with clients has given me confidence, empathy, grace, and patience in my most important roles in life, mother and wife. I understand this, and I honor it. On the other side, I recognize that becoming a mother during the pandemic brought me to a very vulnerable state. Without feeling all the emotions I did ( and still do), I would not have been able to take a step back, continue the work on myself, and understand what relationships matter, both professionally and personally. Becoming a mother, going through postpartum depression, and choosing to start my own business all within the same year, was quite the timing. It brought me to do the work, often uncomfortable, on myself and ask questions to determine if other women are going through similar experiences.

So how do we, as women, figure out what roles bring us the most value,

and how do we juggle them without feeling guilty or shame?

Part of what I am working on with my business has nothing to do with training my clients. Instead, I want to build relationships to learn more about other women and their "why," their focuses, struggles, and triumphs. That's the only way I can relate to them, but that's the only way I can also attend to them. It gives me a better understanding of what roles bring me the most value and purpose and how I can also support other women going through similar feelings and experiences in their journey. It brings me back to holding space for the roles that bring value to my life and understanding how to do that.

I have one memorable experience to share that has been in my heart over the past few days. Last week, I was in San Diego, and I met with a long-time client who was visiting from the East Coast. She has been a God-sent to me during my transition to working for myself and learning to trust my voice. She is also someone I grew close to during the pandemic in the most unusual way. We used to sneak dance classes during the lockdown when everyone was supposed to stay with their immediate households and out of the public, even in parks. I was nine months pregnant and met her and another client at a park meant to be closed, but we managed to sneak in each time.

We were jamming Zumba twice a week on the basketball court. It was some of the most joyous memories I have of clients. Why? I got to know these two clients personally and connect with them on a level I never could before. We were trying to figure out how to support ourselves emotionally, physically, and mentally during a pandemic. This was not a planned situation; we all can agree that no one was prepared for the unprecedented. We were trying to figure things out the best we could. Our classes happened organically.  Over time, we recognized our truths were valuable in the eyes of each other. We held another role in our lives that we were making space for, and it was creating a beautiful transformation for all three of us. 

Well, fast forward to almost two and a half years later. I met this client in San Diego just last week while she was visiting, and we had plans for me to teach her a private. Unfortunately, we did not have anywhere to go for this private, so we decided to perch up in a semi-empty parking lot facing railroad tracks. We then proceeded to have a belly dance class in that parking lot. I know she enjoyed it, got a good workout, and felt rejuvenated. I expected that because I knew what she needed, but I was not expecting for me to gain what I did out of it. This was probably during the high time of my guilt with juggling my multiple roles, and I felt all the "feels" times ten. 

We had a mini heart-to-heart at the end of our jam session, utterly unbothered by the randoms driving by and staring at us. We laughed about how we did not care that strangers saw us shimmy in the parking lot. We began reminiscing about our hush Zumba classes in the heart of the pandemic when I was literally about to give birth to Donya. She said that, in some ways, the pandemic helped us build and foster relationships that matter while letting go of ones that were not serving us. I had to take a moment to let that resonate. She and I probably would not be where we are in our friendship and in our work together as client/teacher if it were not for the pandemic. It is almost funny that someone I saw at the gym once a week in my Zumba class for maybe a year became a massive inspiration to why I started my own business. She has helped me navigate the feelings that show up in the process with our "organic privates" in random places. She reminded me that it is ok not to have everything figured out all the time. She also reminded me why I value what I do so much.

The pandemic pushed me to work on myself and brought me closer to women who were doing the same. In turn, the discomfort, fear, struggles, and isolation that came during my response to the turn of events in the past two years forced me to figure out what roles meant the most value to me. 

What am I grateful for? 

How can I show gratitude for the things that are overwhelming me?

How can I share an appreciation for the experiences that have now allowed me to listen,

connect, learn, honor, and relate with incredible women? 

I may never stop feeling guilty for working past 5 pm each day. It is ok. I value each role I hold and am learning to be more confident in my truth while supporting my loved ones with more honesty. This is all a learning curve. I am centering my life on what brings me gratitude and value. I will figure out how to juggle it somehow, but probably not without more struggles. However, I am learning, and I am beyond grateful for it. 

THANK YOU to my client, who danced freely with me in a parking lot and a basketball court. Women like you remind me that struggling, sharing, and owning my truth is a blessing for everyone in my life. Women like you inspire me to keep spreading my goal of connecting, supporting, empowering, and moving with women who are figuring out what they value and what their truth is. It is ok to feel all the "feels" and to continue to work on ourselves, finding gratitude in the struggle and the guilt. 

Love,

Mariam